I Am A Monster
by holletraumes
Summary: Instead of being imprisoned after his attempt to take over Midgard, Loki was stripped of his godhood. He was turned mortal and his memories were sealed inside of his mind, leaving him with no access to who or what he was. He remembered his name and nothing more.As a result, Loki became a Hunter...


Loki never expected something like this to happen again. Why would he ever believe that the influence of the Tesseract would cross his path again? After several years of living an average human life (all right, we were using average very loosely here) and having no memories of the life he lived as a God, Loki had grown so used to knowing himself as a hunter. Not everyone understood hunters and that was fine, but he was truly doing something good with his life and he was proud of what he could accomplish. Even if no one knew, he was protecting the world from evil and that was enough to put him to sleep at night despite the horrors in the world.

His job brought him to his current lover, Dean Winchester. Dean was a hunter as well, one who worked very well with him. Sometimes they worked with Sam, his younger brother, and sometimes they worked alone. Regardless of if there were two or three on the team, they were always efficient and after the case was over, Loki and Dean could remind one another of why life was worth living instead of simply giving up because there was far too much evil in the world.

Unable to remember his past and all of his horrifying mistakes made it easy to believe that he was a decent person. Why would he ever believe that he could actually become something that was exactly like what he hunted never truly crossed his mind.

Now with the Tesseract's possession, something that was sort of like demonic possession only the Tesseract fused with the person's consciousness instead of completely controlling the vessel. It fed off of Loki's darker side and that made it more difficult to deny that he truly was a monster.

If anyone would understand, it was Dean Winchester, the man who tortured other poor, unfortunate souls in Hell.

Due to the power of the Tesseract, Loki couldn't actually remember much of his feeling towards Dean. In fact, his heart ached but it was overshadowed by the pure power that was pushing Loki back to the brink of breaking, back to the realm of darkness that overshadowed his mind. He was unable to see any hope, there was no light at the tunnel. If he didn't have hope, he only had the ability to burrow himself further into his wickedness.

Dean swallowed thickly. Upon waking from another nightmare, retreated into the bathroom. The nightmare itself rivaled the dream about the Leviathan he had weeks ago, and had clung to Loki afterwards. This one however, he woke up alone and he retreated into the bathroom to splash cold water onto his face, his eyes not trusting himself as he looked up into the mirror.

He had become rather close to the ex-god over the last few months, or even years now that he thought about it since he first found him. Loki had woven his way into their daily life not that Dean was ever complaining he was a good hunter. Loki knew how to do his job, and he was thankful for that. Not to mention the hunter had saved Dean's skin numerous times.

Dean's phone rang making him retreat to the other room after he had cleared his head, and he answered it swallowing dryly, upon seeing his brother's name flash across the screen. It was weird in itself that Loki wasn't here, then again he hadn't been for two weeks which unsettled Dean to no end. "Sammy, what is it?" Dean muttered softy his eyes flickering over at the wall.

"Have you watched any T.V lately?" Sam muttered his voice more or less concerned.

"No why?-" But Dean cut himself off upon seeing why Sam was concerned. The images on the screen, the person on the screen. It was like someone put Dean into his nightmare. No, no no. This was not happening. This was not happening. Dean hung up his phone upon seeing the images seeming almost frozen before grabbing his car keys ignoring Sam's calls and jammed them into the car.

He had to find Loki. He wouldn't believe that it was him that he just saw doing those types of things. He couldn't,

And well when Dean did find him. it was a twisted grin that made him think of demons in hell all over again, and Dean seeing him like this felt his words go dry, and his mouth go numb, memories of another time and place rushing back to him. Hazel eyes frozen on Loki's frame.

Although Loki had cut off contact with Dean for almost two weeks, he wasn't foolish enough to believe that Dean wouldn't come for him. He and Dean had grown so close, closer than either of them were truly willing to admit even. On some level, Loki knew exactly how he felt for Dean, but saying those three little words was a lot harder than he ever realized.

Love was just not something that he was comfortable with and Dean was exactly the same way.

With the Tesseract, however, Loki repeatedly told himself that he didn't need emotional connections. In fact, he was able to convince himself that he didn't have the ability to care for others, that he didn't have the ability to love. Every time he thought of Dean, he promised that if Dean came, he would kill the hunter and eliminate him as a potential threat. Every time this thought crossed his mind, however, his chest ached in a way that he literally could not bring himself to understand.

Once Loki came face to face with Dean, scepter in hand, his eyes burned a bright blue color instead of the very customary-and natural-emerald color that he usually gazed upon his lover with. Part of him was almost relieved to see Dean after two weeks of no contact. Part of him was horrified that Dean had actually come because now they would clash.

"Dean," Loki said, recognizing him with ease. Dean wasn't someone he could ever forget… "You should not have come…"

Those eyes weren't his own. They weren't the striking emerald that he had learned to love. Dean could feel his pulse rate quicken ever so slightly upon the God looking upon him. He could feel the rush in his veins. He remembered, he remembered him, the God, yet this wasn't the one he met. He didn't understand, he was different somehow. The movements they felt corrupt. Dean could feel that looking upon him.

Something felt******_wrong. _**

Dean's tongue seemed to die on his lips. He was at a loss of words at first, his eyes watching the God carefully, almost with a guarded expression, but you could see in his eyes he was unbelieving.

"Why shouldn't I have?"

The hunters voice cut the air, harshly it almost seemed. His eyes looking upon eyes, eyes that were blue and not the ones he knew, the ones he **_loved_****. Dare he say it in his head.** Dean swallowed thickly his eyes almost looking away from his lover. The air in the room felt cold, it felt so wrong. Nothing about this felt right.

"Loki, you aren't **_yourself_**. This isn't _you_."

What the hunter meant wasn't just about the change in Loki's appearance it was talking about the events that had happened the people dying. People getting hurt, people panicking over this, people were scared, and Dean as a hunter knew his place. Even if it was Loki he still had to be stopped, something had to be wrong with the God. He swallowed again, eyes looking at him directly.

His gaze only seemed to falter, and he swallowed. There was a weight in his chest he couldn't place looking at him like this. Words that wanted to be said, but Dean he. he wouldn't spit them out unless he really needed to, unless Loki needed them, There was a time and place for everything.

"Listen to yourself. Did you **_mean_** what you _said_?"

If he meant what he said. If he meant everything, if he meant the fact Dean shouldn't have come, that would just give the reason for the hunter to stay. He wasn't going to let Loki do this to himself, what ever had happened to him, what changed him. Dean could care less that he was a god, he wasn't going to let Loki hurt anyone else. No one else. He would let him hurt him if needed but not anyone innocent, not again. He wouldn't let him.

He _loved_ him too damn **_much._**

Did he mean it?

In some way, no, he didn't. His heart ached for Dean. In fact, his heart was screaming at him. _'What are you doing? This is not you. You have been down this path before and it led to nowhere and nothing. Why would you want to trip back down into darkness while throwing away everything you have gained? Go to him. Beg for his help. Tell him what has happened and tell him that you need help._

_'Tell him that you need him.'_

The Tesseract, however, wouldn't let this pleading of reason to truly register within the god's mind. The Tesseract, he believed, was giving him amazing power. Power beyond his control and beyond his wildest dreams. Unfortunately the possession also made him believe that he was no better than the monsters that he battled every day. He was only fooling himself into believing that he was decent, he had repressed his memories to escape the horrors of being what he truly was.

But once he accepted what he was, it was far more simple.

"I do…" Loki finally said. Now that Dean was here, they would need to fight and a fight between them, one that was obviously out matched, could result in serious injury or death for Dean and even with the haze of this energy source latching onto his mind, he questioned if he would be able to live with himself for hurting and potentially killing his lover. "I mean everything I say, Dean, you should know that by now."

Although his eyes blazed a bright blue, the expression upon the god's face softened for just a moment, just long enough for Dean to see it. His expression was almost pleading, as if silently and subconsciously begging Dean to leave before things got out of hand.

"This does not concern you, Dean. You are a hunter of things that are in a completely different class from what I am. No one expects you to do this and no one will blame you for leaving. You should go before this becomes painful…"

_'Please do not leave me…'_ Why was the Tesseract so against Loki feeling anything aside from rage?

Doesn't concern _me?_

Those words that spilled from the God's mouth, left a mark under the hunter's flesh. One that was just as hurting as a physical wound, that felt like a slap to his cheek. Leaving Loki was the last thing on his mind, not with the way he was acting, not with the way that he was behaving.

This wasn't the God that he knew and loved. This wasn't him, no matter how much he wanted to believe it. No matter how much Dean wanted to walk away, he couldn't. He couldn't because he knew, he knew what Loki was doing was going to hurt him more than anything. Dean's eyes looked up at the God, a narrowed gaze, looking him straight in the eyes.

He seemed to pause before glancing away again, his lips moving and Dean seemed unsure of his own words.

"I'm not leaving you like _**this**__._"

_Echoes _of **_memories_**

flashed behind

emerald eyes

He wasn't going to lose him. Not like he lost Jo, not like he lost Lisa. He wasn't going to lose him, he had lost so many people. He wasn't going to lose another person he cared about. He wasn't going to let him go. Not this time, he wasn't going to give up this time around.

"You aren't a _monster_ Loki."

You & I

both know _**this**__._

_"Fight it. _Don't let this **_control you_**. You're _stronger_ than this._"_

The hunter took a step forward, his eyes still looking unafraid at the God's own. He wasn't scared the first time meeting him, to stand up for what he believed, he wouldn't this time either. He wouldn't be. He would do what was right for both of them, even if he ended up hurt in the end.

"I'm not leaving, you."

I **_need_** you,

_I love you._

_'Don't let let this control you.'_

The words echoed throughout Loki's skull, as if he were having a difficult time truly absorbing what he was hearing. The statement was simple, it made perfect sense, and Loki knew exactly what it meant, but he couldn't apply it to himself. His way or thinking literally would not allow him to see the accuracy in Dean's words.

Why? Because the Tesseract allowed him to believe that its power was under his control, that once he fused with the energy source, he had become its master instead of the other way around. The energy source was like a demon that took possession of it's host, only instead of using Loki as nothing but a vessel, She gave him a hazy view on reality. It twisted his memories and his thoughts to be something dark and corrupted and what was worse? _He believed them all to be true_.

Denial was probably a good word for what he was experiencing, denial that he had any real control over the Tesseract, denial that he accepted himself as a monster when, in actuality, the Tesseract only brought to light the side of himself that he hated, the side of himself that he absolutely resented and refused to show others when given the chance.

What was even more pathetic than the God's current state of being was the fact that he had been through it all **before**! He knew exactly what the Tesseract had done to his state of mind and yet he still couldn't bring himself to admit that he needed help, that he couldn't force the power She held over him out.

He needed an exorcism, of sorts, but not of the soul, no, he needed an exorcism of the mind.

"You always have been one to bite off more than you can chew and you never know when to quit," Loki barked back, although underneath his cruel demeanor, he was relieved that Dean didn't believe what Loki seemed to accept.

Dean didn't believe that he was a monster and if Dean didn't believe it, there was hope. So long as their was hope, he was never truly beyond help.

"If you refuse to leave, then you must have a plan, or at least one would think. Tell me, Dean, what do you plan to do?" Loki questioned, the staff glowing violently in his grip.

The wicked grin that crossed the god's face was almost sad. Almost. "What do you actually believe you will be able to do to help me? What do you believe you can do to save someone whose already damned?

**_Damnation_**

** Flashes**

** Of Hell**

Thick as smoke the memories were, like holy water across a demons skin. He knew what it was like to be damned. To not be saved, to be lost in something that seemed inescapable, hell had done that to Dean. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't regret torturing the souls down there, just to save his own skin.

"You can be _saved_."

There was a echo of **_doubt._**

_You can't save everyone. Dean._

The hunter's eyes flickered to the God, almost seeming haunted by the former memories echoing in his mind. His eyes laced with an unknown pain, that he hadn't felt in a long time, one that tore at his heart-strings. He swallowed thickly eyes unable to look the God in the eyes.

"You're as human as any of us. Just because you're a God doesn't make you less of a human or a higher power than us."

Dean's words seemed to have a weight on his own tongue. It felt like he was trying to bring Sam out from Lucifer all over again, it made his heart ache. Everything ached, as he looked over at the God, he looked him right in the eyes his tone raised slightly.

"You can bruise me, you can beat me. But I'm not giving up on you. I'm not letting you lose yourself _again."_

_ I won't ever give up on you,_

_ because you're family._

Dean never spoke of Hell. It was just common knowledge among those who knew Dean had spent four months (or forty years in Hell's time) in Hell, but Loki knew very well that he was thinking of the torture that he had undergone and the torture that he served to others.

In a way, it was a reassuring thought, that after Dean had fallen so far, after he had tripped down the path towards becoming a demon, he had been saved. Dean wasn't exactly a role model citizen, no, but he did believe in protecting those that weren't beyond hope. He fought for a greater good enough if he, himself, was not the definition of a good man. If the hunter before him had fallen so far, there had to be some sort of hope for him, right?

But this wasn't the first time that Loki had fallen. Every time his life turned into this direction of destruction, it always felt right, as if that was where he belonged and he could fight it and deny it all he wanted, but there was something truly dark and twisted within his soul. He failed to recognize that everyone had darkness within them.

In his current state of mind, he also didn't exactly care, he was even proud to be sick and cruel. That didn't stop his heart from aching within his chest though. It felt like it might burst, but his mind refused to recognize the emotional sensation that was manifesting as physical pain.

He couldn't.

But his eyes betrayed him despite the off color. Deep down, Loki was fighting for control. He was trying to claw his way back to the surface, to reclaim his mind as his and his alone.

He couldn't.

"If you insist on lingering, you will have far more issues to worry about than simple bruises, Dean, or have you forgotten what I am truly capable of?" Loki question, cocking a brow at his lover. Loki took a few steps forward, scepter slowly twirling in his hand. "You have fought along side me while I was trapped within a human form and if I can do that much damage as a human, what do you believe I am capable of now?

"I do not wish to harm you but if you refuse to go willingly, I can and I will force you. Or, perhaps it would be best I send you back to Hell, yes? Then we can be monsters together. Who are we trying to fool, Dean? You and I? We are not meant to be decent people. Why do you think you and I have gotten along so well? Because we are dark, twisted and bitter souls, and you truly believe that there is some form of salvation for us? _Pathetic_!"

**_Pain_**

Twisted

Up his spine.

The words burned and made his skin crawl, his eyes flickering upwards towards the God. Dean could feel his heartbeat rapid in his chest and he tried to breathe, tried to think. The words pulling at his heart, he swallowed trying to breathe. He refused to give in despite the fear racing though his veins.

"Loki, you are becoming the monster, you never wanted to be.

Have you no soul? No **_heart_**?"

Dean took a slight step backwards his eyes flickering over the God's briefly. His words sinking under his skin, Loki was right yes, but Dean had changed, he wasn't some cold hearted killer anymore. He had learned not to just kill anymore. He had learned the value of life.

You were **_lost,_** before when I first _met_ you.

"I'm not letting you _succumb_ to **_darkness_** again."

He took another step forward raising his hand into a fist. He wasn't afraid of hitting him. He took two steps forward looking the God in the eyes, not the familiar emerald he was used to but a striking blue. This wasn't his Loki. This wasn't. He raised his hand, and didn't blink as his fingers collided with the God's dense skin.

Dean had gull. Then again, Dean Winchester had always been ballsy, even before he and Loki started working together on a regular basis, the once-and-restored god knew that Dean was always one to do whatever he wanted. That was something the two actually had in common, for Loki too lived by an "I'll do as a please" attitude. It was only one of many things that the hunters actually shared in common. Neither of them truly wanted to admit how much they were alike and, through their similarities, developed a bond to the point of near desperation. The needed one another, but neither was willing to be the first to mutter "I love you" or "I need you". Due to the Tesseract's hold over Loki, it certainly wasn't going to be the Asgardian to utter those first words, although the feelings were there. The notion that even after such harsh words, Dean still refused to give up on him was heartwarming, although Loki's current mindset couldn't recognize it. Later he would be kicking himself, he would hate himself for what he allowed himself to become. He was like an addict who had relapsed. Later Loki would be disgusted with himself. For now, he only wished to rid himself of Dean. Strangely enough, when he said "rid" he didn't mean "kill", he only wanted Dean to leave. "You are foolish enough to believe that—" Loki didn't get to finish his thought, for Dean's fist slammed right into his nose. Shockingly with enough force to send him staggering back. He'd never met an average human that could accomplish such a thing, they either had some sort of special armor, like Tony Stark, or they were genetically enhanced, like Captain America. His eyes flitted from blue to green only momentarily as Loki's hand came to his nose. There was a sickening sound throughout the air as he pushed the damaged cartilage back into place to allow his magic to heal properly. "So this is what we have come to, Dean?" Loki mumbled, pain, anger and just a bit of desperation obvious in his tone. "Fist throwing?"

Sharp pain shot up his dilated as he looked upon the God, even with the sharp pain in his hand, he had no remorse for the God. He saw the flicker, of green across his own eyes only for a brief second, he wasn't going to give up on him. He'd be damned if he gave up on Loki. He needed him as much as Loki _needed him_.

"Does it make a difference to you?

Reason isn't going to get past **_you_**."

Dean pursed his lips,eyes locked on the God, there was no emotion that could be placed in them. His fingers cracking in his hand that wasn't throbbing from hitting the God with full force, he knew how to hit. If he could hit an angel, he'd hit a God, there was no difference, except the angel's had harder skin.

Dean was pretty sure than he was going to have a pair of broken fingers by the end of this. His fingers curled into a fist again, eyes locked on the other male, his lover, the God, Loki. If he had to beat the sense into him so be it. He would, his eyes locked upon the god.

"Do you take me for an ignorant _fool_?

You're being **_controlled_**."

Dean's words pierced into the air, his eyes a dead stare upon the god, his fingers pulling back to punch the God again. If he had to hurt him, so be it. He'd do whatever to took to bring, _his Loki_ back. As Dean went to hit him again, he didn't think, he just went to hit no remorse at all. Nothing.

"I may be **_human_**,

but I will not kneel before _you."_

"Oh, I know you Dean, I have spent the better part of a year with you.

I know you will not kneel unless you are forced to kneel."

The god's words were almost emotionless, as if he truly didn't care what would happen to Dean should their fight continue. There was, however, the faintest hint of Loki, of Loki without the Tesseract's control, of the Loki that learned to be human and the Loki that needed Dean Winchester. Something about his tone was hard to ignore, hard to miss for someone who had grown so close to him.

Regardless, Loki wasn't going to let the hunter hit him again. Bringing a hand up, Loki caught Dean's fist mid punch and he twisted his arm, not enough to break bones, but enough to to force Dean to turn half away and shove him onto the ground.

"Seems rather pointless to point out all of the times you have willingly dropped to your knees for me. All of the filthy things we have done together. I daresay you already worship me, you are just unwilling to admit to something like that. Then again, you believe I am no longer the person that you have been with for months and months on end, aye?"

"Tell me, Dean, what do you think you will be able to accomplish all by yourself? Even if you had your brother were here, you would still be powerless against me. If you know what is good for you, you will stay down and stay out of my way."

"It seems to me like you are nothing,

but the **_monster_**,

just as the stories were told."

_How could I ever have fallen for you. Loki?_

_ I love you. Can't you see that?_

_ Can't you feel that, or I would have given up._

_ I_ **need you.**

****Dean's thoughts echoed in his head his arm twisted painfully behind him, but he didn't process the pain, he hardly ever did. The words being spoken twisted at Dean's heart painfully. They hurt more than actually being hurt. They twisted at Dean's heart and it hurt him more than anything. He couldn't afford to lose him.

"Listen to yourself,

Do you honestly think I'm going to leave?

You know damn well, that I'm not leaving.

Not now, I'm **_involved_**.

Dean didn't move at first his eyes looking up at Loki's his voice feeling thick in his throat. His eyes holding an emotion that seemed to rip at his soul, despite how tortured it already was in his body.

His eyes however betrayed him. The damp tears trickling down his face. God everything about this hurt in a sense that couldn't be seen. He tried not to let the tears show he tried, and tried but sometimes you couldn't hide the emotions that were the strongest. Dean swallowed, he didn't even trust his voice to speak. Instead, he did the one thing he knew could catch the god off guard.

Dean moved his feet and attempted to kick him, and took the chance to move when the God lost his grip on him for a brief moment and landed a kick on him. No remorse only pain in his eyes, pain because he cared about him. Because he was falling a loved one. He barely processed when he was hit back, slammed into a wall, a sickening crack being heard, that sounded like the bones of his didn't even process it, but he felt himself cough up the blood.

His eyes flickered up to Loki blood on his fingertips coughing the liquid up. Looking him right in the eyes, swallowing pain, lacing up his body, making his vision go a little more than fuzzy. His tongue tasting the blood on his lips. He swallowed thickly. Tears and blood mingling.

"I didn't fall in love with a _monster._

__ I fell in _love_ with your _humanity_.

I fell in _love_ with **_you._****"**

_Monster_.

Yes, that was exactly what he once was and exactly what he was becoming now and he knew it, but the Tesseract wouldn't exactly let him care. Hearing those words fall from Dean's lips, having his lover tell him what a horrible being he was becoming was hard.

No, it was beyond hard, it was the most difficult thing he would ever have to digest but the Tesseract simply wouldn't let him care in his current state of being. Underneath its control, Loki's heart ached, but his eyes only blazed with anger as he threw Dean into the wall.

"You should learn when to hold your tongue. Things would be much easier for you if you actually knew when to apply your filter. You know that voice in the back of your mind that tells you to shut up? That feeling you get in your stomach when you know you should stop talking?

"Perhaps you should try listening to it," Loki growled, practically barking out the statement as an order or a command.

Under the influence of the Tesseract, he believed wholeheartedly that he had a right to order others around. He was above them.

It wasn't until Dean actually looked up at him, blood trickling down his chin, that Loki's eyes softened. The sickening crack that the god knew to be Dean's ribs cracking had actually brought a cringe across Loki's features, although he was quite used to such sounds and often more horrifying sounds. Hunting as well as battle on Asgard had desensitized him, but with Dean, it was different.

And then one word left Dean's lips, just one that even the Tesseract couldn't block out.

_**Love.**_

"You are—" The Tesseract wanted Loki to tell Dean how insignificant he was, how beneath him he was and how much he truly didn't matter, but the words never left the god's lips. How in the Nine Realms could he possibly say something like that to Dean?

The one person in the universe who say what good Loki could do, the one person who believed in him wholeheartedly, to the point that he refused to leave him even when the possibility of death was smacking him in the face…

How could Loki do that to him?

The eerie blue faded from Loki's irises like a heavy fog finally lifting and emerald once again filled his eyes. The moment the Tesseract's control had been broken, Loki didn't just drop the scepter, he threw it just to get it as far away from him as he possibility could.

"_Dean_…"

Blood trickled out of Dean's mouth, hardly anything mattered anymore. His mind didn't even realize that the God had broken from control. No, He couldn't even move, he was in so much pain, so much agony. The sharp pain across his body hurt. It made him want to heel over and possibly cough up blood. He couldn't even scream. He didn't have the will to.

His vision was flickering around the edges, and Dean was giving up. There was only so long he could stay up with these injuries. His eyes went to close, his fingers going limp at his sides/ He didn't see the familiar emerald eyes, Only haunting blue. He couldn't focus, he closed his eyes, feeling the lull of sleep drag at him.

The darkness was a comforting thing. It welcomed him with open arms. It felt good falling into the darkness. It seemed to heal his heart that felt ripped into pieces right now. When he fell under he dreamt of nothing, nothing at all. There was an emptiness in his dreams.

It could have been hours even days when Dean blinked back to life. The pain was still there, not as bad but still there. Confusion was evident in Dean's eyes. He felt numb, almost broken from what had ached and hurt, memories from before flickered in his mind but he didn't have the will to speak despite being awake slightly.

He could hear a voice, someone talking. It wasn't clear enough in his ringing head though. He could feel the exhaustion in his body. The tired feeling, the caked blood on his he sat up,blood covering the surface of his skin, his ribs seemed to protest, they seemed healed but not fully. A groan passed his lips, drawing the attention of the other voice, or was it voices.

"Sammy?"

Dean was so out of it he couldn't even tell anymore. He must have been hit pretty hard. He didn't even know if his brother had found him, or if he had been moved after what had occurred, he could hardly focus on anything. His body didn't seem to want to work.

The possibility of Dean dying quickly became a real possibility and Loki panicked. He didn't think he had been too rough with Dean, but apparently the transition from human to god was more than Loki had anticipated.

"Oh gods…"

He muttered to himself and he swore that he might start crying. Tears stung his eyes but he refused to let them fall as he crossed over to Dean and knelt down next to him slowly. His hand extended to cover his lover's broken ribs and magic passed from his palm to Dean's side. The faint green haze entered Dean's body through his pores and took great care in healing the fatal damage. Ribs popped back into place and internal bleeding was reversed.

Once Dean woke, he would still be sore. Pain from their altercation would remain, but he wouldn't be in danger of losing his life and that was something, right? Living was always better than death, at least that was what Loki believed. He prayed that Dean would feel the same.

Unfortunately Loki's prayers reached no one. Who did a god pray to exactly? They were the highest of the high, right?

Once Loki was sure his magic had done it's job, he used one hand to rub the tears from his eyes. How could he have let this happen? Not only did he allow himself to become a monster. Again. The very thing that he hated, but he had almost killed his lover. He wasn't just a monster, he was the thing nightmares were made of, the thing that even demons fled from…

His other hand reached into Dean's pocket and he dialed Sam's number. When Sam picked up with a typical "Dean?", Loki didn't reply. The silence of a phone call from his brother would tell Sam that Dean needed him and he would come. Loki wanted to stay with Dean, he truly did, but he couldn't face him. He couldn't… He had fallen in love with the hunter, with Dean Winchester, and he couldn't admit it, especially now. Dean deserved so much more than him…

So he ran.

He awoke to Sam's panic. Sam's shouting over and over again by his side. Concern and fear in his brothers eyes, and when Dean did wake up, relief came across his features, nothing but relief. Dean moved his jaw and hardly spoke, his eyes flickering across the room, searching for someone that wasn't there.

Loki was _gone_.

Dean could hear his brother asking him if he was okay. If he was alright. Dean had muttered "Yeah I'm fine." Just so his brother would shut up, but on the inside he felt like he was bleeding. He felt like he was falling apart, and screaming. Because Loki had left him. Because Loki was gone. He had _left._

He told him,

_ I love you._

Then **_left._**

It hurt more than anything. It twisted at his heart. It made his heart twist painfully, and he wanted to cry. He wanted to but couldn't not with Sam here. He couldn't break in front of his brother. He swallowed thickly pulling himself to his feet and headed back with Sam for now, without another word spoken.

Days turned into _weeks_, that turned into **_months._**

Dean rubbed the bridge of his nose fingers clutching a phone to his ear trying to contact him, hear anything from him. He had tried over and over again to contact Loki. He got nothing. Not a drop. It was like Dean didn't exist to him anymore. Dean had the bitter sense that Loki could have returned to Asgard. Now that Dean thought about it. Everything ached in Dean's body. Not a painful act but one that was from heartbreak.

Dean had cried over the course of weeks slowly letting it out, after Sam had let him be alone for once. Sam had sensed something was up but Dean ignored his brother's concern. This is why hunters didn't get attached because people they love either die or leave them. Dean had lost weight to be honest, he hadn't eaten much since Loki left. He cut back on eating, it was like when he was a kid, half starving himself all the time. He didn't tell Sam what he was doing anymore either. He'd just say he was on a case, he parted ways from Sam for awhile, and a rift started to form between the brothers.

"I get it. You _hate _me. I'm sorry that I loved you. That I cared. I just want you to come home."

Dean's voice seemed to crack, more and more as he spoke. He had left dozens of messages. It felt like millions to Dean. The hunter loved him so much. Yet Loki had run, and he didn't know what hurt more. The fact he confessed or the fact he had been rejected. He seemed to choke on air as he hung up tears dripping sore down his face, away from Sam, in the safety of being alone, and he broke down.

He just wanted to be with _him._

Leaving Dean was far more difficult than he ever expected it to be. He wanted nothing more to return to his lover and tell him how sorry he was, tell him that he loved him as well, but how in the Nine Realms could he do that? After all of the horrifying things he had said to Dean? After showing Dean his darkest side? After nearly _killing_ him? Loki's memories and his god hood had been reinstated. He now had access to all of his magic and all of the knowledge he had gained over the course of exceptionally long life. Happy memories and memories filled with agony returned to him as well and he was finally able to piece back together this hole left in his mind. So why did he feel more broken than ever before? His heart ached in his chest to the point her swore it had gone numb. Sometimes he wondered if it was still beating at all and what options did he truly have? He thought of returning to Asgard but the idea of leaving Midgard was oddly upsetting… The idea of leaving Dean behind was upsetting. As hard and abnormal as it was to admit, Dean had made him human in a way he never believed possible and Midgard had truly become a home for him. In fact, the impala and those ridiculously cheap hotels had become home. Anywhere that Dean was, even in the middle of the most dangerous case imaginable, he felt at home and even invincible… But how could he face him? Every time Dean tried to call, every time he left a message, Loki listened to it. His phone rang and for a moment he would consider answering, then it would go to voice mail and Loki would listen to it straight away. Tears would stream the god's cheeks before he even realized his eyes were watering. This went on for weeks, even months. Until one day Loki's phone rang. Dean was the only one who ever called so he didn't even need to look at the collar ID to know it was him. The only different with this call was something compelled him to answer, as if he simply ran out of will go ignore the calls and could no longer manage such a simple process. Instead he put the phone to his ear after hitting the answer button. "Hello?"

Dean was beyond numb by this point, when Loki picked up the phone. Beyond numb and a little more than reckless, being how his blood was. His fingers were barely holding onto the phone by this point, he was bleeding all over the place, eyes barely focused on anything, he had gone on a hunt alone without his brother, it was a simple demon hunt- well it had been until things changed.

In the months that Loki had left, Sam had technically died, and well Dean being the person he was had sold his soul to the crossroad demon, and well time was up for Dean. The hell-hounds had found him, Sam had known of course but he was currently, being held back.

The hound had ripped his flesh apart, and mauled him, he was barely even aware at this point that he was up and moving, he was losing his fight though, losing it, and falling into a haze of black. Things had changed after the god left, he had gotten reckless and even up his life at risk and it cost him Sam's life. Lying here now with the phone on in his hand Loki listening, almost made him cry, but he couldn't not with the pain etched to him.

"Lok, I'm _sorry._ I'm sorry, okay? That I fucked up- that we.

We should have been more careful. I just- I'm sorry okay?

I'm out of time, I- I love you, take care of Sammy."

The line went dead, and then green chocolate eyes saw nothing, saw nothing because there wasn't anything left. Dean's soul was gone, and lying over the corpse was Sam, clinging trying to see if there was some way his brother could come back, and Sam wept because without his brother nothing was going to ever be the same.

Loki wasn't sure what he expected to hear once he finally did answer the phone, but what he did hear was never something he considered. Dean was the best of the best. As far as he was concerned, there wasn't a better hunter and yet here they were, speaking over the phone for the first time in months.

And Dean was dying.

He didn't need to be told that his lover was dying. He didn't need to hear the words, he didn't need any sort of confirmation, he could simply sense the death. Soon Hell would claim Dean… and unfortunately he wouldn't even be going to Loki's daughter, he would be going to a place he simply couldn't imagine.

"Dean, no, you…" What could Loki say? Even if he knew where Dean was, he didn't have enough time to get there and properly heal him, even with magic. The hunter was going to die and Loki was going to listen to it. His stomach churned and, for a moment, he swore he was going to be sick. When was the last time he'd eaten? He couldn't remember, there was nothing in his stomach to throw up and yet he was sure he could start dry heaving.

"I love you too, Dean."

He might as well say it, right? This was the last chance he would have… Fuck, how had this happened? How could he let this happen? If he had been with Dean instead of running off like a coward, if he had answered any one of Dean's phone calls, he could have prevented this…

"I will take care of Sam… I will figure out a way to—" Loki stopped when the line clicked off. Either Dean had died and dropped the phone or Dean had ended the call before Loki could hear him die. Either one brought the tears to his eyes. "—bring you back…"

His hands were shaking as he dialed Sam's number and he was gasping for breath as he attempted not to let his tears fall. He needed to talk to Sam.


End file.
